OTHER + M
Sitting in her balcony on a humid, barely breezy night, Gia was finding it difficult to breathe.
Much had changed in her life, very suddenly. But the hardest change, by far, was to accept that her mother was her mother no more. A massive stroke had taken away her mother & replaced her with the ‘other mother’ – a childlike, lovable older woman who needed care at every step, who looked like Gia’s Mom but didn’t speak like her, who smelled like Gia’s Mom but didn’t look at Gia or touch in quite the same way, the ‘other mother’ made demands like a little child, a far cry from Gia’s generous spirited mother. And this ‘other mother’ swore to high heavens! The swearing was a shocker for Gia as she never really heard her mother swear! Most of all, Gia missed the daily chats with her mother. Gosh! How she missed them! The ‘other mother’ didn’t do daily, mundane chats!
Gia was finding it difficult to breathe. She took a long, steady puff of her cigarette & sighed. If only she could have her mother back exactly as she used to be, somehow, in some way, by some miraculous manifestation and in defiance of the medical impossibility of it. Gia smiled wryly and thought ‘where are them damned genies when you need them!’
The next morning dawned bright with news of a dinner get-together the following week of all the residents of the apartment building in which Gia resided. Gia’s Mom had a bit of a star status with all the neighbours. Up until her stroke, she was their agony aunt, the diffuser of animosity amongst neighbours, the elderly voice of reason and wisdom. She, in turn, took her role seriously of being the grande ol’ dame of Building C4. Gia thought it would be a lovely outing for her mother and she’d be around people she already knew. Secondly, negotiating Mom’s wheelchair to the Apartment Club House wouldn’t be difficult and thirdly, it would be lovely for her Mom to get some attention from all the neighbours, who were dying to meet their much loved “Aunty”.
Through the week, Gia reminded her mother about the get-together. You see, her Mother’s memory had taken a nose dive since the stroke. She’d forget most things in seconds. The fact that her mother managed to remember the get-together told Gia that she was looking forward to the upcoming outing.
And so, it was the evening of the dinner. Gia rushed about to get her Mother ready. Freshened her up. Changed her diaper. Dressed her in the military green salwar kameez that her mother had chosen – green was her Mom’s favourite colour. Lifted her out of bed & seated her in her wheelchair. Combed her hair, put on a bindi too & a hint of lipstick. Slipped a pair of knitted moccasins onto her feet. Adorned her with the regular chain, bangles & earrings that her Mom wore when she went out. Except for her mother being in a wheelchair, things felt a bit normal. And, off they went to the Apartment Club House.
As they entered the Club House, all the neighbours were excited to see Gia’s mother. Gia decided to lift her mother out of the wheelchair to seat her on a more comfortable sofa. She reached down under her Mom’s arms & hauled her into a standing position. As she was trying to steady her, Gia realised that there was a pin-drop silence in the room. It took Gia a moment to realise that as she lifted her mother into standing position, her mother’s salwar fell to the ground as Gia must’ve forgotten to tie the ‘naada’ while getting her Mother ready. There was Gia holding her mother up in a semi-hug with her mother’s salwar in a puddle at her feet, her legs and thighs bare. Slapping and cursing herself mentally, tears stung the back of Gia’s eyes as one of the ladies quickly came over, lifted up & knotted the salwar in place. Gia’s mother had no clue about what had happened as the stroke had taken away her situational awareness. Safely placed on the sofa, the neighbours surrounded Gia’s mother and the incident was forgotten.
Gia stepped out of the Club House. She needed to catch some air, she berated herself for not being more careful. Gia had always striven to maintain her mother’s dignity in the process of caregiving. As she puffed on a cigarette like a crazy woman, she couldn’t stem the flow of tears. She felt she had let her mother down. Her mother had been a statuesque, tall, graceful lady who made her presence felt in a quiet, dignified way. The whole scene of her mother partially clad in front of a group of 50-odd people, being unaware of it & with a big smile plastered on her face, somehow felt tragically comic. But she had to put her game-face back on as she had to get back to the evening.
It was a sweet evening and eventually Gia felt better, although recalling the incident made her cringe. Gia knew that she was making the incident bigger in her own head but she couldn’t help it. Thankfully, Gia’s mother was blissfully unaware and was soaking up all the attention. She had always loved attention; she had always loved being the queen bee. She couldn’t communicate much as the stroke had taken away her cognition & her ability to have conversations but she smiled a lot & knew she was every inch the diva. She was the grande ol’ dame again!
As Gia wheeled her mother home, she stopped to sit on a culvert with her mother’s wheelchair alongside, the night breeze was gentle & refreshing. Gia’s mother was capable of communicating in words or short sentences, the stroke had dimmed her ability to express or feel emotion. Conversations were difficult to have but not on this evening…….
Gia: Did you enjoy your evening, Mummy?
Mom: Yes. Very Happy. (after a pause) let’s go home….
Gia: Why? Are you tired? It’s so lovely outside
Mom: No. You are tired. Sleep early.
Gia: No Mummy, I’m not tired……it’s ok
Mom: (firmly) I said you are tired. Sleep early.
Gia decided to listen to her mother and they got home. After getting her mother into bed, Gia climbed into bed a few minutes later, alongside her mother. She realised she was tired, her lower back ached. In the dark of the night, she suddenly felt her mother trying to share her bedcover and attempting to cover Gia with it. And after a minute or so, her mother started to pat Gia’s head, patting her to sleep. Gia let out a long, peaceful breath. In that moment, the pain of the ‘salwar-falling’ incident receded and she drifted off to sleep. She could now make sense of the triangle. As she saw it – WE are now 3, my Mother, the Other & Me.
Disclaimer: The concept of the ‘other mother’ is inspired from a poem I read. I cannot remember the name of the poem or the author. If any reader recalls the poem, please do let me know. I would love to give credit.
About the Author
Gail Sinha is the CEO (Caregiving Executive Officer) at Mothership Inc . She’s been a caregiver to her mother for the past 8 years and it’s been a journey of learning, patience, exhaustion, unravelling, immense love and intertwined karmas. As noble as it all sounds, most of the times you’ll find Gail stark raving mad & in need of a ‘calmpose’!!!!
Recommended by the Author
Caregiving during the lockdown was especially hard. Doing it alone was harder & stressful. Some of the things I’d turn to, to ease my mind & relax:
1. Reading. I especially enjoyed reading Gerald Durell – the most entertaining escape into the animal world
https://www.amazon.in/s?k=gerald+durell&ref=nb_sb_noss
2. Movies/ Web Series Online. Fun & Light stuff. Nothing heavy. I kinda liked the chic-flicky, no-brainer, uber urban ‘Four More Shots Please’ on Amazon Prime
https://www.primevideo.com/search/ref=atv_sr_sug_6?phrase=four%20more%20shots%20please&ie=UTF8
3. I did a lot of inner healing by attending several online workshops (90% of them free). For me, this was huge www.joininghands.in
4. Learnt a new skill to further my interest in graphic design. Learnt Photoshop on Udemy. Also did a short course on Instagram Marketing
www.udemy.com
5. Meditation. Downloaded this great app on my phone called ‘Insight Timer’ – some superb meditations & I truly discovered the power of meditations through this app
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.spotlightsix.zentimerlite2